My body is still shaking, and my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. After I hung up the phone I ran to my room, fell on my knees and wept. Just thinking about this as I write is frightening. I won’t apologize for what you are about to read if you don’t believe there is a God… or if you believe you are a Christian but won’t let God take the reigns. Just when I was at a high in my walk with the Lord, and today was going so well, I got a phone call.
I usually don’t answer the phone if the area code is out of state, but for some reason I thought it would be important and that it would only take a second. I was right in the middle of working on a client’s photos. The man on the other end was trying to show me online that my ranking on the search engines was really horrible, and that I needed to do something about it. Again, usually I would have told him that I needed to go (and be insistent), but for some reason I stayed on the phone. Then after his spiel, he connected me with a ‘photography expert’ who was going to tell me more about how to put my business on the fast track.
Satan knows exactly what he is doing.
The first thing this guy said to me was, “Oh, so you’re a photographer? I am, too.. what kind of camera do you use?” I told him and he said, “Oh, you’re still using beginner equipment.. well let’s get you on the right track to buy the kind of camera that I use.. you may not have even heard of it.. a Hasselblad.” Actually no, I hadn’t heard of it, but already he had begun to defeat me.. and yet the phone stayed glued to my ear.
He went on for a while before I stopped him and told him that I really wasn’t interested and I didn’t want to waste his time. He asked me what I rely on for business and I told him that I rely on a higher power. He asked me which, and I said God. “Oh yeah, I’m a Christian, too.. but God isn’t going to bring you business. God helps those who help themselves.”
Man he is cunning.. my body tightened up as I realized that I was about to enter a conversation about my Christianity. I told him that God hasn’t let me down yet.. I quit my job and He gave me photography.. our bills have miraculously been paid every month. Then, slowly the conversation became one sided and his voice started getting louder and louder and more and more mean.
“When was the last time you went on vacation?”
“Wouldn’t your son have rather gone to Disneyland than Pittsburgh?”
“You think God wants you to work in the fashion industry? That’s the most pretentious and god-less group of people on the earth! You are a hypocrite! You contradict yourself saying that you are doing what God wants you to do but then you don’t share His gospel while you are around these people you meet.. you should be doing that, you crazy loony! You said you have only been shooting for 2 years, well it shows.. anyone could take those photos. You must have had a bad childhood, or been abused, you should just go kill yourself!”
And on, and on….
I have never been directly violated by an evil force like this before. He said everything he could to make me second guess my life, in EVERY way. Now thinking about it I realize that every SINGLE thing he said hit a different part of me that I struggle with emotionally. I desperately ask God over and over in these areas to show me that I am doing the right thing, and that I am doing His will, not mine.
And now there is someone yelling in my ear that I am worthless, that I suck, and that God does not approve of how I am handling my business. Wow. I was never able to take control of the conversation.. I just kept getting shut down.. I couldn’t even tell him that I wanted to get off the phone. It was like my hand was stuck to my side so that I couldn’t put the phone down, and I just took it.
Finally he paused and I told him that I needed to go, so please let me. He did. I ran to my room and bawled. I cried like I had just been ripped apart in front of 50 kids at school. Why I let it go on and on is beyond me.. except that everything happens the way God intends. There are times when we need to be reminded that He is in control. I believe that this phone call was an attempt by Satan to shut me up.. and shut me down.
Well I have news for you Devil.. I’m standing up for Christ, and I won’t stop! My God is BIGGER and STRONGER and I LOVE HIM. Though you have certainly defeated my spirit, you cannot defeat my God. Christ had paid the cost for me, and now I belong to Him. You can’t touch this!
If you are reading this then take a moment to ask God why. What does He want to show you? Today, over the course of 30 minutes my world lost hope, and then was re-founded in the only truth that exists. Before I began writing this I prayed that God would be my fingers, and that if I was not to write this, that I would be distracted and have to get up.
Well, I’m still sitting here.. which means that someone needed this today. Seek Christ. Close your eyes and ask Him for forgiveness. We are not perfect, but He is.