This morning before I ever set foot outside of my room I started praying for a good morning with the E man. Lately he has shown disregard to both of us (his father and me), by ignoring us or talking back when we ask him to do something. Part of me wants to bend for him because he is just so cute, and I don’t feel like being ‘mean’… but I know that if I don’t take charge he will not know how to respect authority in his life.. which means he won’t know how to respect God when He calls.
So the hubbs and I have been discussing our mode of action over the past few days. The situation has become almost unbearable for me because E will push my buttons to make me cave. He says stuff like, “You don’t love me!”, “You are always mean to me!”, and “I hate my life!”. I have prayed and prayed that God would help me to push past these words so I can be the mother and instructor He wants me to be. When we got E’s report card it said he had been tardy 5 times.. in Texas you only get 10 times before they send you to court and you have to pay $500. Then, if you still have problems they might even place the child in custody because you are not able to control them.
More times than not E is late because we have been arguing over something stupid, and I let it go on without stopping it. So over the past week I have gotten better about reacting in a calm manner, and putting an end to the disrespect. Today I though, ‘I will pray, and everything will be fine, it will be ok and he will be to school on time’. Boy was I naive!!
I went to wake him, and he refused to let me help him with his clothes. Then (knowing I was starting it) I began to explain what would happen if he was late too much. He thought not living with me would be a good thing, and he would rather live at his friends house. I started crying, and he started laughing at me. I yelled thru my tears, “It’s not funny!”.. more laughing.. “It’s not funny!”.. more laughing.. I screamed at the top of my lungs and threw the ice pack in my hand to the floor as hard as I could and said, “It’s not funny! Stop laughing at my pain! You don’t care about me at all!” Then he started crying and ran to his room, and I started bawling my eyes out.
Not exactly what God had intended for me as a parent.. I’m pretty sure.
So I’m bawling and trying to make his breakfast and pack his lunch at the same time.. life goes on you know.. can’t be late! Then I went to his room and we talked about our feelings, and I told him I was sorry and hugged him. I went back in the kitchen, still sobbing uncontrollably.. and he followed. He ate his breakfast, watching me make his lunch while I cried.
Something changed in him. He started telling me he was sorry, and asking me why I couldn’t stop crying. I told him it was because if anyone ever tried to hurt him I would die for him, trying to stop them. I told him the best that I could that I love him more than I could ever explain, and when he said hurtful things to me or ignored me it hurt me so bad inside. He started getting himself ready to go, and his attitude turned into a child who loves his mother and wants to help to do the right thing. I was still crying, and he hugged me.
He made it to school with time to spare… and waved at me with a smile as I drove off, waving back.
I began to thank God for what had just transpired. Could this be the beginning of a change in our home? Could my crazy mommy sized temper-tantrum have changed the course of our relationship with E? Please don’t mistake what happened with trying to manipulate the situation. I had an honest meltdown for the first time in front of my child.. and he noticed.
Oh how wonderful is my God! He brought us straight to the heart of the matter. I prayed, He answered… not what I was thinking.. but the way He wanted it handled. He has revealed the ugliness in my heart, and at the same time shown E that I love him in a way that he cannot understand.
33 Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
34 “For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?”
35 “Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?”
36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. – Romans 11
Are we not also like rebellious children to our heavenly Father? We push and push, and ignore, and make excuses to Him about everything and anything. When will we learn that He knows what is best? When will we come to that place of understanding that He loves us beyond comprehension? How many times must He get our attention before we fall face down in front of Him and cry out, ‘Yes Lord!’ Oh that I might be that child, to know Him and grasp Him fully.