As I was texting a friend this morning the thought occurred that I have never really written down who I was before. I have thought about writing it down in the past, but never did, in fear that someone would think ill of me. Well, to be quite honest, it is ok if you think ill of me because of what I did, or what I didn’t do before, because it will make it all that more evident that something supernatural has happened to me now. I didn’t change me, Christ did. If that message becomes apparent to even one person who reads this, then it has served it’s purpose, and Christ gets all the glory.
Hi, my name is Kristy. When I was in fourth grade my parents got divorced. It was a surprise and a shock to me. One day everything was fine, the next day my mom ran out of the house crying and my dad took us aside to tell us he wasn’t going to be living with us anymore. For the next few years I grew angry, and turned inside myself. I only had one friend until I was a sophomore in high school. I gained 30 pounds, and was the brunt of the ‘popular’ kid’s jokes.
Freshman year in high school I joined the color guard (you know the dorks at half-time who wave the flags). Over the next 2 years I lost all that weight, made friends, and started turning the heads of boys in school. I started smoking towards the end of my sophomore year, and then I started drinking….heavily. My junior year I was at a bar with my friends who were older than me with a fake ID, and that night I lost my virginity. That same night we drove drunk down 518 going 60 miles an hour in my car, got pulled over, and by some miracle were set free with a warning. Looking back I can see Providence working even then.
Senior year I experimented with an assortment of things ranging from pot to LSD. I would come home smelling like who know’s what and my mom would come get real close to me. She would smell me.. she would hug me.. she would tell me she loved me, and then go to bed. I can only imagine what she must have been thinking. I distinctly remember one night when I came home, still tripping from the drugs. I tried to hide my eyes from her, telling her I had a headache, because if she had seen my dilated pupils she would have known. That year I was arrested for stealing, got an MIP (minor in possession) , and slept around. I always prided myself in the fact that I had only ever had one boyfriend from my school so no one really knew my actual ‘partner number’.
During all of that time my mom and my dad both forced my sister and I to go to church. I wish I had known then what I know now…. oh the heart ache that could have been avoided.. but looking back I know that it was all part of His plan for me. I needed to know that I was low, a sinner in need of help, that I was unable to change my life. In all my efforts things got worse. After high school I moved as far away as I could to get away from all of those hurt feelings and people. I moved to Denton, just north of Dallas to go to North Texas University.
I immediately immersed myself in the local tradition in Denton to get as wasted as possible. I managed to go to class for about a year and a half before I dropped out. My best friend and I would take trips down to Houston to ‘visit the family’, but in reality we were taking trips down there to go to raves. My life was filled with drinking, drugs, and sex. At 19 I had my first abortion. The rationality behind my selfish murdering of an innocent child was that I didn’t want the child to grow up in an ‘out of wedlock’ home… or apartment. I still remember the pain, and the feeling of regret, until the drugs washed it away.
At 20 I moved to Austin where I realized I had been used by my ‘friend’ for rent money.. that was the reason she coaxed me into coming there. I was all alone in a world of people who hated me, working to pay rent in Austin, and back in Denton where I had left my apartment still leased. I decided to do the only thing I knew how to do.. run away. I left one day when all my roomies were at a concert in Houston.. I drove home, got the van, and proceeded to make 3 trips back and forth to Austin to get out of there before they came home. I was back at home finally, after 3 years of self hatred.
Two weeks after I arrived home I decided to start over. I started going back to school, and quit doing so many drugs.. I tried my hardest to be good, but ended up living with a coke dealer. Over the next 3 years I would go in and out of ‘doing the right thing’.. and somehow I managed to graduate with honors. I was working part time, going to school full time, and partying full time. At 24 I had a self induced miscarriage, and then just 5 months later another abortion. This time I didn’t even think twice about what I was doing. All I knew was that I was basically ‘good’ for not bringing a child into the world who would be fatherless. 3 months later I hit my lowest low. I came to that place of realization after being thrown out of a guys house because I was a tramp. He called me a whore. I sat in my car and cried. I went home to my apartment and cried. I knew that I was hopeless and that I was bound to repeat this over and over again.
Surely I must have prayed, somewhere inside, to a God I did not know. I must have asked for help because shortly thereafter my life changed. On Cinco de Mayo at 25 I met my future husband. We had met online only 2 weeks before, and decided to meet up. He was handsome, and made me feel at ease. We met at a bar and talked for what seemed like forever… one of the best days of my life. I knew that he was the one. A week later we were head over heels in love. Four months later he gave me a promise ring, asked me to marry him, and then he was shipped out to war. Six months, and two weeks later, he was home and we were married.
During all of that time I was faithful him, the only man I had ever truly loved. I started doing all the right things, and staying away from all the bad. I thought for sure that now life was going to be the way it should… blissful.. and why not? I had everything I had ever asked for in a man and in a life. At 27 we brought little E into the world, and the world changed for me. All of this leading up to this moment was shoved to the very back of my mind, and I just knew that everything would be wonderful from here on out. We bought a house, we had money for splurging, we had our family, and I was doing all the right things.. I was good.. but something was missing.
The thing is, I was never good. I thought that just because I was set apart from all the bad things in my previous life that I was ok. But what about that incessant thought that would never go away? I’m a murderer. Truthfully, I flat out shook my hand at the Creator of all things and said, “I don’t care about you! I will do what is right in my own eyes!”. And yet He loved me. At 29 God intervened and showed me my sin. He showed me that all of my efforts to be good would never satisfy, they would never make me whole.
Late one night Christ knocked on the door of my heart and asked to come in. As I agreed my heart filled with a joy I had never known, a peace I cannot describe, and a new purpose that is only found in Him. I can tell you now with certainty that there will never be a time in my future where I will not praise Him for what He has done for me, and what He is still doing for me. I am forgiven, and I have a hope that no one can take away from me. This is no ordinary hope, it is an assurance and patient awaiting of what is to come.
*I pray that somehow this message will transform the way you look at what is good. I pray that you will confront the things in your life that you know in your heart are wrong. I knew I was wrong, but I kept doing it. Open your heart to Christ when He calls.
For those that don’t have a Bible, please read the following passages, and if you dare, out loud:
- Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
- Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 5:8 But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
- Romans 10:9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
- Romans 10:13 For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.
God is the creator of all things, and created man in His image. We sinned by deliberately ignoring God’s commands. Because of that sin, we will die apart from God. He desires a relationship with us so He made a way for us to be forgiven and restored to a right relationship with Him. Christ died for us, to take our place as a sinner, so when God looks at us He sees no sin. Now Christ has risen from death and sits at the right hand of God, speaking on our behalf to forgive our sins… but we must ask for forgiveness, and turn from our lives of sin to follow Him. We must do as He commands.. we must read His word.