How is it possible to be so happy and so horribly depressed at the same time? One minute I’m elated at what I can clearly see God doing, and the next I am in tears because I don’t know what He wants me to do. There is an inward struggle at work. I already know the answers that are ready to burst forth, and yet there is something holding them from escaping and becoming a reality.
I’ve been struggling with pride. God has given me a mind to think, and a mind to hold God’s truths and share them with others. So I share them. After I share them and even while sharing, most of the time, I get this self-awareness that I am so awesome for knowing these things. Uhg! As I speak about God my brain is having an internal war with my heart on who should get the credit here. The thing is, that I honestly do want God to get all the glory. So what is the problem?!
Honestly, this is ridiculous. Last night I got a look from my husband that he has been giving me a few times over the past few days when I say something out of frustration to our son. I speak before I think, and when the words come out they sound harsh, though I definitely do not want to be harsh with my son. So after I got the ‘look’, I internally broke down. From the moment that happened, even to right now, I have been confused and saddened. It is all being piled on top of itself, pushing me further and further into myself and my thoughts.
I feel like my old self who wanted to go run and hide, and pretend I was going to kill myself to get attention from someone.. anyone. The thing is, I know that I have the attention of One who I cannot hide from. As I prayed this morning after getting my son to school I started telling God that I need to know who I am to Him. I mean, I know who I am in Christ, but I feel so… alone. I feel like I did after all those years of being rejected by my real father, my friends, my world – way before I met the Lord, and my husband.
I just feel like I am useless. I know what this is. The thoughts in my head are not my own. They are there to torture me into thinking that God cannot use me.. that I am useless to Him, and that no one really cares or thinks twice about me. They tell me I am a bad mom, that I say all the wrong things. That my tongue has nothing of value to add to anyone’s ear. That I need to just stop, and go hide my face from the world so I won’t ruin anyone else. That I need to just die already.
I have heard this before, but last time it was over a telephone call. Why does Satan torment me like this?! I just want to feel the love of my Father around me, to tell me it is ok, and that He is here.
1 Hear me, Lord, my plea is just;
listen to my cry.
Hear my prayer—
it does not rise from deceitful lips.
2 Let my vindication come from you;
may your eyes see what is right.
3 Though you probe my heart,
though you examine me at night and test me,
you will find that I have planned no evil;
my mouth has not transgressed.
4 Though people tried to bribe me,
I have kept myself from the ways of the violent
through what your lips have commanded.
5 My steps have held to your paths;
my feet have not stumbled.
6 I call on you, my God, for you will answer me;
turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.
7 Show me the wonders of your great love,
you who save by your right hand
those who take refuge in you from their foes.
8 Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings
9 from the wicked who are out to destroy me,
from my mortal enemies who surround me. – Psalm 17
9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – Romans 12:9
1 I love you, Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. – Psalm 18