heart talk / The Mapps Quest

my Hiding Place

How is it possible to be so happy and so horribly depressed at the same time?  One minute I’m elated at what I can clearly see God doing, and the next I am in tears because I don’t know what He wants me to do.  There is an inward struggle at work.  I already know the answers that are ready to burst forth, and yet there is something holding them from escaping and becoming a reality.

I’ve been struggling with pride.  God has given me a mind to think, and a mind to hold God’s truths and share them with others.  So I share them.  After I share them and even while sharing, most of the time, I get this self-awareness that I am so awesome for knowing these things.  Uhg!  As I speak about God my brain is having an internal war with my heart on who should get the credit here.  The thing is, that I honestly do want God to get all the glory.  So what is the problem?!

Honestly, this is ridiculous.  Last night I got a look from my husband that he has been giving me a few times over the past few days when I say something out of frustration to our son.  I speak before I think, and when the words come out they sound harsh, though I definitely do not want to be harsh with my son.  So after I got the ‘look’, I internally broke down.  From the moment that happened, even to right now, I have been confused and saddened.  It is all being piled on top of itself, pushing me further and further into myself and my thoughts.

I feel like my old self who wanted to go run and hide, and pretend I was going to kill myself to get attention from someone.. anyone.  The thing is, I know that I have the attention of One who I cannot hide from.  As I prayed this morning after getting my son to school I started telling God that I need to know who I am to Him.  I mean, I know who I am in Christ, but I feel so… alone.  I feel like I did after all those years of being rejected by my real father, my friends, my world – way before I met the Lord, and my husband.

I just feel like I am useless.  I know what this is.  The thoughts in my head are not my own.  They are there to torture me into thinking that God cannot use me.. that I am useless to Him, and that no one really cares or thinks twice about me.  They tell me I am a bad mom, that I say all the wrong things.  That my tongue has nothing of value to add to anyone’s ear.  That I need to just stop, and go hide my face from the world so I won’t ruin anyone else.  That I need to just die already.

I have heard this before, but last time it was over a telephone call.  Why does Satan torment me like this?!  I just want to feel the love of my Father around me, to tell me it is ok, and that He is here.

***

Hear me, Lord, my plea is just;
    listen to my cry.
Hear my prayer—
    it does not rise from deceitful lips.
Let my vindication come from you;
    may your eyes see what is right.

Though you probe my heart,
    though you examine me at night and test me,
you will find that I have planned no evil;
    my mouth has not transgressed.
Though people tried to bribe me,
    I have kept myself from the ways of the violent
    through what your lips have commanded.
My steps have held to your paths;
    my feet have not stumbled.

I call on you, my God, for you will answer me;
    turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.
Show me the wonders of your great love,
    you who save by your right hand
    those who take refuge in you from their foes.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
    hide me in the shadow of your wings
from the wicked who are out to destroy me,
    from my mortal enemies who surround me. – Psalm 17

***

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – Romans 12:9

***

I love you, Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. – Psalm 18

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